Over the past few months, I have done some extensive introspection. Because I’ve had a lot of time on my hands, it’s become much, much easier to feel every little pang that comes about, and there is much less to distract me. In that time, I’ve realized how strong this constant, incessant background anxiety was that I’ve been carrying around. Even in times of ease and safety, I still found it gripping ahold and refusing to let go.
As I noticed and focused on it more, it felt even more acute, with no signs of letting up. So I began to read about it, meditate, journal, create better routines, and try to work with my brain as much as possible. For a long time, even while practicing all of these daily, things did not seem to get better. I was learning different techniques, gathering different insights about myself, and having these mini-realizations that inched me forward, but in the moment, seemed to do nothing.
But recently, things have started to click much more rapidly. These little instances of knowledge have slowly made progress in inching me away from the despair I’ve had. They have been building me up without me even realizing. I’ve been at this point where I really am starting to understand that this mental battle is primarily about perspective. My view of myself in the past had become so distorted that it caused a malfunction. This anxiety is the body operating outside of normal spec. But by building up my self-love, self-care, and, self-belief, I have made significant strides in bringing my body back to normal operating conditions.
Letting go of false beliefs about myself, and adopting new, accurate, and productive ones has let me slowly push out the anxiety, because it truly all is in my head. My brain isn’t fundamentally broken, the hardware all works correctly, so it is a matter of shifting the thoughts I have about myself. This doesn’t mean it isn’t hard work, but now I know that my perspective about myself is what changes everything. I will be able to move past this by pushing towards a new perspective.